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Conquering my Hamartia

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

It’s nearly midnight; I am currently sitting on my bed (which is actually just a stolen mattress sitting directly on the floor). I am tired and worn out from midterms and the sleepless cramming, but I am also energized because I was able to finish everything despite my hamartia– which is of course my terrible procrastination. I have been a horrible procrastinator all of my life, I remember finishing my fifth grade state report with my mom in the wee hours of the night, falling asleep while coloring the Lark Bunting (the state bird of Colorado).

And honestly, I am sick and tired of it.

I am tired of the horrible fight I have with myself to accomplish something, and the agonizing weeks I spend putting it off and feeling guilty about it, just to cram all of my work into one crazy caffeinated night that sends my whole week into a spiral. I like being busy, and I do actually really like the rush of a productive and caffeine-induced work night, but I hate that I keep putting off things that I really want to do and accomplish because I am afraid of failure. I would like to be a journalist one day. To me, journalism seems like the perfect professionIMG_9939 that encompasses all of my passions and goals. Even when I was a little girl who imagined herself being any thing and every thing on giant spectrum of possibilities—from ballerina, to archeologist, to a taxi cab driver—the one job I always kind of realistically saw myself as, was some sort of journalist or writer. (I even made my own press pass that I keep on my windowsill now for motivation). It seems to me like the best way to use my skills to help and inform people.

I’ll be honest I really am not that great of a writer. I don’t mean to be self-deprecating, it is just the truth. I simply don’t put as much effort into practicing as I should, I have never really gotten the grasp of a three-prong thesis, and I overuse commas because whenever I read something out loud for people, I like the reassuring pause a comma grants me to protect me from embarrassing myself by slipping up on a word.But it has become increasingly aware to me, that besides going to school, I am doing nothing else to pursue that dream. I am not writing, I am not traveling, and even ever since I moved out of my home– my news intake has plummeted. I have considered applying for the school paper, but honestly, based on reading it, it feels like I would quickly become disheartened. I keep telling myself it just isn’t the right medium for me, I need something that isn’t as guarded, that isn’t just promotion for the school but actually a discussion of issues.

For almost two years, I have tossed around the idea of starting some sort of blog or vlog or website about news and writing. Every time I mention it to people, I act as though it is in the works, in the final stages of edit, almost ready to go out into public. It’s not, it hasn’t been. Just like with nearly everything else, just like with my fifth grade state report on Colorado, I have procrastinated and put it off. I procrastinate out of fear. I have an overwhelming need to be liked and affirmed, that the idea of creating something that I tried my best on that won’t be deserving of praise is crippling to me. And honestly, I am sick and tired of it. I am finally going to create this blog I have imagined for so long, and I have no real idea what the end product will be, what direction I will end up going—if I choose to dissect serious issues or end up writing more personally.

This is very scary for me, to actively send something out into the ether having no clue how it will change or be received, but it is finally time for me to put my foot down and start taking action. It is time for me to be brave and conquer my fears because achieving my dreams is only going to get harder and harder. So welcome! Welcome to my new space. Like I said, I don’t exactly know the specific direction of this site, but I do know I want it to be a place that nourishes intellectual thought, respect, and creativity. I promise to never gossip about celebrities or discuss something that I don’t think is interesting or important. I will also try to be sure to make a clear distinction between my own original thoughts and a compilation of the research and thoughts of people far smarter than me. If you disagree with anything I say, feel offended by anything, or feel differently on a subject: I welcome your input and I hope this can be a space for learning from one another and healthy and informative debate to occur. Thank you so much for even reading this far if you aren’t one of my parents or the people who I forced to read this with begging and pleading, and thank you of course to my parents and the people who I forced to read this because I love you. I am excited for this new project, for this new thing to exist in the Internet and for hopefully you all to be a part of it. Thank you once again. Allison Hollender.